- Page yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise your voice.)
- Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
- Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, “I can’t talk about it.”
- Send an email to the rest of the company telling them what you’re doing. For example “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”
- Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, “Just called to say I can’t talk right now. Bye.”
- “Hi-lite” your shoes. Tell people that you haven’t lost your shoes since you did this.
- Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
- Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
- When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, “Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!”
- Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it “IN.”
- Determine how many cups of coffee is “too many.”
- Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
- Walk sideways to the photocopier.
- Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark 17-inch paper, 99 copies.
- While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
- If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
- When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep ’em tuned up.”
- Say to your boss, “I like your style” and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
- Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, “Did you get all that, I don’t want to have to repeat it.”
- Reply to everything someone says with, “That’s what YOU think?”
- Practice making fax and modem noises.
- Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
- Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.
- Finish all your sentences with the words, “in accordance with prophesy.”
- Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
- Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
- Staple papers in the middle of the page.
- Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
- TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
- type only in lowercase.
- dont use any punctuation either
- Repeat the following conversation a few times: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
- As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
- When nearly done, announce “No, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.
- Ask people what gender they are.
- While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
- Sit in the car park at lunch time pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
- Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”
- Why not try some of the following neat little exercises, not only will it make meetings more interesting but your fellow workmates will become suddenly more alert and maintain a respectful distance. By following these simple guidelines during important meetings, you too can be an unmitigated success:
- Discreetly clasp hold of someone’s hand and whisper, ‘Can you feel it?’ from the corner of your mouth.
- Draw enormous genitalia on your notepad and discreetly show it to the person next to you for their approval.
- When refreshments are presented, immediately distribute one biscuit to each of the attendees, then systematically smash each one with your fist in front of them.
- Discreetly clasp hold of someone’s hand and whisper, ‘Can you feel it?’ from the corner of your mouth.
- Chew tobacco.
- Wear a hands-free phone headset throughout. Once in a while drift off into an unrelated conversation, such as, ‘I don’t care if there are no dwarfs, just get the show done!’
- Write the words ‘he fancies you’ on your pad and show it to the person next to you while indicating with your pen.
- Respond to a serious question with, ‘I don’t know what to say, obviously I’m flattered, but it’s all happened so fast.’
- Use Nam style jargon such as ‘What’s the ETA?’, ‘Who’s on recon?’ and ‘Charlie don’t surf’.
- Reconstruct the meeting in front of you using action figures and when anyone moves re-arrange the figures accordingly.
- Shave one of your forearms.
- Draw a chalk circle around one of the chairs then avoid sitting on it, when the meeting starts. When someone does eventually sit in it, cover your mouth and gasp.
- Turn your back on the meeting and sit facing the window with your legs stretched out. Announce that you ‘love this dirty town’.
- Walk directly up to a colleague and stand nose-to-nose with him for 1-minute.
- Mount the desk and walk along its length before taking your seat.
- Reflect sunlight into everyone’s eyes off your watch face.
- Gargle with water.
- Repeat every idea they express in a baby voice while moving your hand like a chattering mouth.
- Gradually push yourself closer and closer to the door on your chair.
- Hum throughout.
- Pull out a large roll of bank notes and count them demonstratively.
- Bend momentarily under the table then emerge wearing contact lenses that white out your eyes.
- Drop meaningless and confusing management speak into conversations such as:
- ‘What’s the margin, Marvin?”
- “When’s this turkey going to get basted?”
- “If we don’t get this brook babbling we’re all going to end up looking like doe-eyed labradors.”
- ‘What’s the margin, Marvin?”
- Produce a hamster from your pocket and suggest throwing it to one another as a means of idea exchange.
- Use a large hunting knife to point at your visual aids.
- Announce that you’ve run off some copies of the meeting agenda. Then hand out pieces of paper that read:
- My secret agenda:
- Trample the weak
Triumph alone - Invade Poland
- Trample the weak
- My secret agenda:
- Re-collect them sheepishly and ask everyone to pretend they haven’t seen them.
- Attempt to hypnotise the entire room using a pocket watch.
- Leave long pauses in your speech at random moments. When someone is prompted to interject shout, ‘I AM NOT FINISHED.’
Ways to keep a healthy level of insanity in the workplace
